SO TIRED...NO ENERGY

I'VE BEEN SO TIRED THIS WEEK, IT SEEMS AS IF I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY. I STILL HAVEN'T FINISHED THE LAUNDRY AND WHEN DONNY CAME IN THIS MORNING HE WAS PISSED SAYING HOW DIRTY IT WAS IN HERE. I SWEAR THAT MAN IS SO ANAL, OUR HOUSE IS SPOTLESS MOST OF THE TIME. IT WAS A LITTLE DIRTY FOR A MINUTE BUT I SAW HOW MUCH IT BOTHERED HIM SO I WOULD RUN AROUND CLEANING LIKE A MAD PERSON. THAT JUST MADE ME STRESSED AND UPTIGHT ALL OF THE TIME. IM STILL SWEEPING LIKE EVERYDAY AND MAKING SURE THE DISHES ARE DONE. I AM ONLY ONE PERSON I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING. IT'S WORSE WHEN WE ARE GONE ALL DAY AND THEN AS SOON AS WE GET HOME OLIVIA'S FRIENDS COME KNOCKING ON THE DOOR. SO I CHANGE SOFIA'S DIAPER, GRAB A BOTTLE OR SNACK FOR HER, AND WATCH OLIVIA PLAY. AND IT'S WORSE IF I HAVEN'T STARTED DINNER BY THAT TIME BECAUSE WE WERE GONE ALL DAY SO DONNY DOESN'T HEAR NOISE WHILE HE IS SLEEPING. LAST NIGHT WE DIDN'T EAT DINNER UNTIL 8:30PM AND I DIDN'T GIVE THE KIDS A BATH. I READ THEM SOME BOOKS, BRUSHED THEIR TEETH, AND PUT THEM TO BED. I MIGHT GO TO THE STORE TODAY TO GET A FEW THINGS BUT WE ARE STAYING HOME FOR MOST OF THE DAY. IT'S HARD FOR ME TO CLEAN AFTER I PUT THEM TO BED BECAUSE I'M SO TIRED I USUALLY JUST SIT ON THE COUCH AND CRASH EVERY NIGHT. ON THE WEEKENDS I LIKE STAYING CLOSE TO HOME BECAUSE WHILE DONNY IS HOME IT'S EASIER FOR ME TO CLEAN. AND THIS IS THE REASON WHY THE HOUSE IS A MESS BECAUSE HE WANTS TO LEAVE THE HOUSE PRACTICALLY ALL DAY. HE IS STARTING TO MAKE ME VERY ANGRY BECAUSE HE EXPECTS ME TO COOK TOO. THERE ISN'T ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY FOR ME TO COOK, CLEAN AND STAY GONE ALL DAY. I AM NOT GOING TO START COOKING AT 7PM. AND SOMETIMES WE DON'T GET HOME UNTIL 9PM OR 10PM. HE MUST BE SMOKING DOPE IF HE THINKS IM GOING TO COME IN AND CLEAN AFTER THAT. HE'S NOT BEING REALISTIC AT ALL. LAST NIGHT HE SENT ME A MESSAGE THAT HE HAD TO PICK SOMEHTING UP AND HE NEEDED A LOT OF SLEEP WHICH MEANS HE WANTS ME TO LEAVE SO THE HOUSE ISN'T A MESS. I SWEAR EVERYDAY I AM RUSHING HOME BECAUSE WE STAY GONE ALL DAY UNTIL HE GOES TO WORK. SO AS SOON AS WE GET HOME I AM RUNNING TO GET THE KIDS OUT OF THE CAR AND BAGS OF GROCERIES OR DIAPER BAG. IF I LEAVE STUFF IN THE CAR HE GETS MAD. OK ANY PERSON UNDER THIS PRESSURE WILL JUST SNAP AND I DO. I SNAP ON HIM A LEAST ONCE A WEEK. HE IS ACTING LIKE A CHILD... I WANT, I WANT, I WANT. SO THIS WEEK I HAVE BEEN SO TIRED AND I DON'T CARE IF HE'S UPSET ABOUT THE HOUSE. I GO TO SLEEP AND NOT STRESS ABOUT IT. HE HAS CLEAN CLOTHES BUT HE HAS CERTAIN UNDERWEAR THAT HE WANTS TO WEAR AT WORK. AND WHEN EVERYTHING IS PERFECTLY CLEAN WITH ALL HIS CLOTHES CLEAN IN THE DRAWER AND HUNG UP IN THE CLOSET HE COMPLAINS ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE THATS RIDICULOUS. SO THIS IS WHY I HAVEN'T PUT THE LAUNDRY UP, MY BODY IS ON A STRIKE AND JUST WON'T DO IT. I DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE TO BE SOMEONES DOOR MAT, I AM NOT THE TYPE OF WOMEN THAT GETS OFF ON PUTTING MY HUSBANDS WANTS AND NEEDS FIRST. YESTERDAY WHILE RUNNING, THE STUPID DOG RAN OUT OF THE DOOR SO I HAD TO CHASE HIM DOWN THE ROAD. SOMETIMES I'M SO STRESSED I DON'T EAT DINNER UNTIL I PUT THE KIDS TO BED OR I DON'T EAT AT ALL. SO INSTEAD OF NOT EATING LATELY I JUST DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE LAUNDRY. OKAY WELL I GUESS I AM DONE RANTING FOR RIGHT NOW. IM GOING TO GIVE THE GIRLS A BATH NOW INSTEAD OF LATER. SOFIA POORED MILK ALL OVER HER TABLE AND ALL IN HER HAIR. SO HER HAIR IS SMASHED TO HER FACE. I HAVE TO GET SOMETHING FOR DINNER BECAUSE YESTER DAY I WAS RUNNING AND RUNNING, SO I JUST GOT DINNER FOR LAST NIGHT. I TOLD OLIVIA SHE COULDN'T PLAY BUT HER FRIENDS ARE RIGHT NEST TO THE WINDOW COLLECTING ROCKS, SO WILE I AM FOLDING THE LAUNDRY, I AM WATCHING HER PLAY.

MY DAY TODAY

trying to go back to normal

the girls have been tired and cranky for the past week. and now it is continuing on through this week. i've had a day from hell with olivia and now sofia won't go to sleep. she's had a bath, a nice warm bottle, and i held her for almost an hour. i am now going to have to let her cry it out. it's driving me crazy. i'm tired and i need to take a shower. i'm hungry because i barely got to eat dinner, olivia kept bugging me to go outside with her friends. i can hear olivia tossing and turning in her bed. i'm trying to stay calm and not give in because she will get use to me running down the hall to come and get her. so about 10 minutes has passed, she was literally screaming to the top of her lungs. i've done what i'm supposed to do so i have to just be patient. this day just keeps getting worse. olivia woke up, ran down the hall, and now sofia is crying again. i hate nights like tonight. i have like 5 loads of laundry to fold and put away. there is a sink full of dirty dishes...when does my job end so i can finally rest up for tomorrow. it's almost ten and i am so stressed and hungry. i don't have any food in the house because i din't go to the store today because i was too tired. i'm about to scream out the window because some douche bad is lighting fireworks off late into the night. omg when will this nightmare of a day end. i need some relief, these days seem to be harder and harder to get through. the light at the end of the tunnel is olivia going to school for 8 hours so i won't have to run run run all day. GREAT!!! now the stupid dog wants to go out. i seriously want to get rid of the dog, i have too much to do and he always wants to go outside at the most horrible times.

WHEN I WAS FOUR MY PARENTS RECIEVED A BAG OF CLOTHES, AND IN THE BAD WAS A VERY TINY PAIR OF BALLET SLIPPERS. MY FATHER PROMISED ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD BE ABLE TO TAKE DANCE CLASSES. AND THAT WAS THE START OF MY LOVE OF DANCE. WHEN I WAS AROUND TEN I TOOK A TAP CLASS, WHICH WAS MY FIRST DANCE CLASS EVER. I DIDN'T DANCE AGAIN UNTIL HIGH SCHOOL. ONE SUMMER AND THE FIRST TIME I EVER WENT TO BAND CAMP, ALL THE GIRLS IN THE BAND WERE ASKED IF THEY WOULD LIKE TO JOIN COLOR GUARD. THE GUARD TEACHER WAS WAITING INFRONT OF 150 BAND MEMBERS FOR GIRLS TO WALK INFRONT EVERYONE AND JOIN A GROUP. I WAS PAINFULLY SHY, UNSURE OF MYSELF, AND I HATED BEING NOTICED IN A PUBLIC SETTING. BUT I WANTED SO BADLY TO BE ABLE TO TWIRL AROUND, DANCE, AND MOVE TO MUSIC. SOMETHING INSIDE OF ME WHISPERED, "IF YOU WANT IT BADLY ENOUGH, YOU WILL JUST GET UP AND DO IT". SO I WALKED UP AND JOINED THE OTHER GIRLS, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT BUT I WAS SO HAPPY. AND DANCING IN COLLEGE WAS THE BEST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. I DANCED WITH GIRLS THAT DANCED SINCE THEY WERE TWO. I PUSHED MY BODY TO DO THINGS I THOUGHT I NEVER COULD. SO RIGHT NOW, I AM ADDICTED TO WATCHING THIS SHOW CALLED DANCE ACADEMY. AND THERE IS AN ACHE IN MY HEART TO BE ABLE TO WALK INTO A DANCE ROOM, PLACE MY HAND ON A BALLET BARRE, AND POINT MY TOES. I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT DANCE. WHEN I HEAR MUSIC I SEE CHOREOGRAPHY AND DANCERS MOVING. HOPEFULLY ONE DAY SOON I WILL BE ABLE TO JUST MOVE LIKE THAT AGAIN. I AM HOPING THAT I CAN START GOING TO ZUMBA AGAIN. IT GIVES ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO JUST ABOUT EVERY DANCE. AND I MISS HAVING FRIENDS AND BONDING WITH AMAZING AND FUNNY PEOPLE. JUST LOOK AND THE GLEAM IN MY EYES IN THIS DANCE ROOM. WHAT A HAPPY MOMENT THIS WAS :)

tired, stressed, tired

so i haven't been home all week. i've been at my inlaws because our bills got out of hand and our dte and consumers got shut off. we were on payment plans because of the winter bills were so high. they were too high for the size our home and because we never turn on our lights until it is dark because of all the natural light in our house. this shouldn't happen to adults with two children. it's mostly miscommunication between the hubby and i. we speak to each other maybe 20 minutes everyday before he goes to work. so no one was incharge of the bills. but thank god this nightmare will be over tomorrow. both companies are coming over tomorrow to turn everything back on. every sunday we are going to sit down and budget together for the week. sometimes we still live like college kids or newly married people. we stay up all night when we are together because we don't get to see each other during the week. we act like teenagers with no care in the world. we have to be a little more resposible in the future. it has been a nightmare with the girls schedule also. which made olivia act like a monster all week. because of the weather she didn't get to play outside as much and didn't get to burn off much energy at all. i've been a horrible mother with no patience and understanding. when we get home i have to get the girls on a better schedule especially because olivia is going to school soon. i have been going over her numbers, letters, days of the month and week, sight words, making her write her last name and learning her phone number. she knows how to count and she knows numbers when she sees them. she can see a group of objects and knows the number without counting. i'm making her write her numbers as well and for arts and crafts she get to glue numbers 1-15 on a sheet of paper in order. she loves using glue and creating projects. she loves spending time with her cousins especially jessie. they built a fort out of blankets and olivia was in heaven, it was a magical moment for her. i am laying in bed with the window open while there is a cool breeze blowing through the window. i miss my home and my routine. every night when i put the kids to bed i sit on the couch and watch my favorite shows on my dvr. well it's late and i have alot to do tomorrow. tomorrow donny wants me to cash his check so i might take olivia to a little cafe to eat lunch. she loves going out to eat. :)

Maybe I will come back to writing

well i thought i was done with writing, updating blogs, and writing in journals. but i think i will come back to write about my new journey. i haven't written since i had sofia and she is already one. so this is a great time to start. i was living with my parents because donny lost his unemployment benefits and my mother saw how poor we were and invited us to stay with her. i really don't want to write down everything that happened there because it would take me too long. so i am going to post some pictures of memories that we shared there. i love my parents and won't ever be able to repay them for what they have given my family and i. i am working on a little project for them but i don't know when i will be able to finish it. but i guess i will say that around the birth of sofia things started to look up again. she was born in may the same week donny went back to work. donny used his signing bonus and bought us a home. i love our little house and i won't ever wake up and say that i hate living in a warm place with a roof over our heads. we moved here in october right before halloween. so i went trick or treating with the girls alone. :( donny missed sofia's first halloween. when he was laid off the blessings that we didn't see is that he was there with me for every holiday and every event of olivia's life right by my side. our first special memory in our new house was sofia's first christmas. i thank GOD for the many blessings in my life. i'm not rich and i don't live in a mansion...but i've always had everything that i needed plus more to survive in life and be happy. over the years when donny was laid off i didn't realize that you don't have to have a lot of money to be happy. you can be happy with the little things in life.

blinged diaper wipe case

the other day i took sofia to the doctor because of her eye wouldn't stay clean. no matter what i do i have to clean it at least every three to four hours and all the time if she cries. i took her to the doctor to see if she had an eye infection but the doctor said all she had was a blocked tear duct. so i bought special wipes for her eye and face to bring with me when i am out. i wanted a special case for it and found some online but they are expensive, especially for a wipes case so i made my own and here they are. i am going to make like two more. :)


one from a boutique for 30 dollars.




and this is the second one...i like the animal print more better. it just looks better. i am going to make the butterfly one look better. i'll post a picture when i am done.

this is the first one i made...i like it better then the second one i made