Something for me

Today was a very stressful day and at the peek of bad attitudes and cranky ness I just broke down and cried. We got out of the house a little late and headed down the road to see some house we were investigating about to see where our options were for purchasing a new home. We go to an office because there was an open house but there was one lady before us. Little did we know she was actually buying and we didn't realize that we were going to be waiting for an hour. My heart was in it more than Donny's and he made it clear through his attitude and remarks. The whole time I kept reassuring him that we were next and it was going to be very soon. I can see myself buying groceries and coming home to this place. I can see us watching t.v. in the living room next to the fire place and cooking dinner in the kitchen with the beautiful white cabinets. And the main reason for the move is being closer to Olivia's school. Through the week I'm so stressed out from running everywhere and doing everything by myself. Its taking a toll on my health, attitude, and the way I feel inside. I see Donny for 5 minutes a day then he's off to work. So I do all the cleaning, the cooking, getting Olivia off to school in the morning, taking care of Sofia, all by myself. So I wanted to move closer to her school so we are not always rushing when Olivia gets off the bus. That's the worse part of my day. So Donny is gone and I am alone getting dinner on the table, cleaning as I go, doing unfinished laundry, giving the girls a bath, brushing their teeth and putting them to bed. By the end of the night I'm so tired and I never do anything for myself. I'm starting to become really depressed and when something is out of place Donny let's me know by saying not so nice words. And when I'm always alone doing everything and running our house the last thing I need to hear is critical words. So this move would make my life less stressful.

So we waited for an hour with the car running because it's cold outside. I finally get to talk to her and she tells me we can't see the house because someone is still living there. And I got a sick feeling in my stomach and I was panicking in my head. So I get in the car and I tell Donny the news and he gets so mad at me. We drive to get food and I bought a Chinese food meal and he freaks out about how much money I spent. I was okay with just eating McDonald's, I thought we were both going to eat Chinese food. He goes to taco bell for him and the kids by that time I was so low inside. I had Chinese food and my kids were eating chicken quesadilla's. So at this very low moment I told Donny that I was sorry for waisting gas and buying expensive food. I told him that I felt so guilty and I felt like crying. And that is when I broke down and couldn't stop crying. So I am realizing today that I can't live like this anymore. I have to find something for myself that keeps me who I am. I hate the feeling that I don't deserve nice things because I don't have a paying job. Well it's late...I will write more happier things about a decision I've made to keep me sane. And I know damn well that I deserve it.