Everything That We’ve Waited For

The last time that I wrote in this journal, I was living in a trailer and we were hoping and praying that we would find a house. We moved three more times before we found our wonderful home. Now I’m sitting in our room listening to Donny snore. It’s late but we had to connect before starting a new week. This has been the worst week of 2018. I was going to post on my fb that our lives were perfect three years in a row. But then we found out that Donny’s mom is sick. We made sure to go to church to pray for her healing today. When we got there I fought back the tears just walking in the door. Donny has kept his strong man face on through this whole situation. It sucks that men have to do that. I’ve seen him cry and I know he does so he doesn’t have to hold it in for us. I told him to let out his emotions, you just have to. He’s being strong for everyone else in the family. I think he’s so amazingly strong.

          So we both went to the alter together and prayed for her, by this time I was sobbing and tears were streaming down my face. I asked for a prayer cloth to take back to her. The pastors mother blessed one with oil and I clung to it and cried even more. I cried walking through the church looking for Donny. I didn’t even care if anyone was looking at me. She was put on multiple prayer lists and people hugged me and told me about Gods miracles. I do believe it can happen. And this just came out of nowhere too. We’ve had other things going on as well with my family. And my mom was sick too where I thought I might lose her. So we’ve had a rough past month and we are hoping that the rest of the Christmas season will be magical as they always have been.

       We have presents stashed everywhere in the house because we’ve been so busy, we haven’t had any time to organize anything. We’ve done a lot of online shopping so the kids have been home when they’ve arrived. We’ve had to stuff them where we could and very quickly too. Christmas is coming so fast, we still have so much to do. We have so much to be happy for. We finally have a wonderful home to raise the kids in. I love our house so much. I say it constantly out loud and I thank God for it frequently. The kids love the house so much too. Before we found it we were loving bewtween two houses and I was taking the kids to school from Lke Orion everyday. It was a stressful mess. My mother-I’m-law would get mad at me so I would leave. Or when things weren’t going well at my moms I would go back to Donny’s moms house. But in the end I hated it at Donny’s moms and when school was done we stayed at my moms until we closed on the house. We had all of belonging in storage and besteeen two houses. We looked at so many messsd up houses so when we saw our house we put in an offer right away. Our first home is down the street from my parents first home. And Olivia’s bus stop is on the same road as my parents old house. I hope one day I can go in and see the other house my parents built. I am so happy with this part of my life. I am almost 40 and I am finally secure about where I am in life. We finally have everything that we’ve been waiting for. ❤️  

Olivia's 6th Birthday

The day Olivia turned 6, September 22nd, 2013 was on a Sunday and fell on her actual birthday. I have not been updating the girls blogs or writing in my own is because of those hard times makes it so hard for me to express in words. My hubby Donald has been sick for a long while now. And this year instead of putting a band-aid on his situation we were put in save and fix Donny mode because of his discomfort. I will probably shed a few tears and will be happy to kiss 2013 goodbye. So hello to 2014 because we have some doors opening for us and our little girls. I will write about later but will think about daily. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions this year. And seeing the love of my life in the hospital literally tore my heart apart. I could physically feel it in my chest. We have been together since we were 19 and we are now 34. When we were married the preacher said we became one from that day forward but the universe brought us together and was one long before our wedding. From day one, two young kids had a summer romance that will hopefully last a lifetime.

So on Olivia's 6th birthday celebrating her birth with her father thinking of our hard 2013 made me weep uncontrollably. I was crying happy tears because I felt even more lucky than I ever have felt before. I was lucky that my beautiful daughter was healthy and her father was on his way to recovery. And I believe that God will heal Donald. In 2014 we will be experiencing many happy memories as a family. I would LOVE to have another child because I am beyond blessed to have healthy children and when I look at my children it makes me love my husband even more.  I will update more about the past 3 months in the upcoming days. But for right now I will post a few birthday pictures and some of Donny's journey.

Back to Zumba

So I've been really down on myself about me weight lately. I joined a class that had free childcare but the workouts were not enough for me. I have to do intense cardio to lose weight because I use to dance everyday for hours. I found a Zumba class on Saturday morning that is crazy cheap and the instructor is amazing. The class starts at 12pm so I won't feel bad asking my hubby to watch the kids. I hate my body right now and I need to get rid of some weight. I want to be healthy also it's not all about being thin. I don't have babysitters lined up if I got sick or something. And even when I am as sick as a dog I still have my kids 24-7. I am starting to become sick more easily and for longer periods of times. I've lost my voice from being sick and it's still not all the way back even after a month. And it's probably due to stress also. So I am going to workout and it's going to start this Saturday at Zumba class. I'm so excited. Also, I plan on working out once at home and once a week walking around the mall. Just so I get to workout three times a week and it won't be expensive.

If I just sit here a little while longer

I am so overwhelmed this week, I feel like I am always running as soon as I wake up. The girls are a handful these days and I never get to relax. I don't have one person to help me get through things. Everyone needs at least one person. I get so sad when I see other moms together and I am always alone. Its such a struggle just being with the kids. I came here to write these feelings down so I can maybe release how I feel. I'm just so drained and I want to step away for a minute to catch my breath. I am supposed to workout in 3 hours and I was contemplating on going or not. If I don't go then I will be highly disappointed in myself. I have been gaining weight from eating when I have been stressed. Its hard to look at my body in the mirror I hate to look at myself. I don't think I have ever had a positive body image and I am working on myself for my little girls. I don't want them to go through the things I went through. I am hoping when I wake up I will feel better after I workout.
I am just so sad right now and I feel alone. I hate feeling like this.

Have not been here in a while

I HATE WRITING WHEN I'M DOWN OR FEELING BAD. I DON'T WANT TO WRITE THOSE FEELINGS DOWN AND I DON'T WANT TO PRETEND LIKE EVERYTHING IS NORMAL. SO I TRY TO VENT IN OTHER WAYS. THIS WINTER HAS BEEN REALLY HARD FOR ME TO GET THROUGH. THE KIDS HAVE BEEN SICK SO I COULDN'T TAKE THEM OUT TO WORKOUT. SO I HAVE NOT BEEN WORKING OUT OR DOING THINGS FOR MYSELF. AND IT'S MADE ME SO DEPRESSED WHERE I WOULD JUST SIT AND CRY. I AM BETTER THESE DAYS AND I WANTED TO UPDATE MY KIDS BLOGS BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TOO MUCH CATCHING UP TO DO. OLIVIA ONLY HAS TWO MONTHS LEFT OF SCHOOL AND SHE'S MOVING ON TO THE FIRST GRADE. SOFIA WILL BE TWO NEXT MONTH AND I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO WITH PLANNING HER BIRTHDAY. I REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE HAVING A BIRTHDAY PARTY THIS YEAR FOR HER. I JUST WANT TO TAKE HER TO THE ZOO AND HAVE ICE CREAM AND CAKE WITH JUST FAMILY. SHE LOVES ANIMALS AND IT WOULD BE NICE TO WATCH HER EXPERIENCE THE ZOO FOR THE FIRST TIME ON HER 2ND BIRTHDAY.

I REQUESTED TO SCHEDULE A MOMMY AND ME PHOTO SESSION FOR ME AND THE GIRLS FOR MOTHERS DAY AND MY BIRTHDAY. I AM ALWAYS TAKING PICTURES OF THEM AND I AM NEVER IN THE PICTURES. I WAS VERY UPSET THAT I DIDN'T GET ANY PICTURES WITH THEM FOR EASTER THIS YEAR. I WILL POST A COUPLE OF PICTURES OF THEM AT THE END OF THIS UPDATE. I WANT BEAUTIFUL PICTURES OF US TOGETHER FOR THEM WHEN THEY GET OLDER. I WOULD LOVE THEM FOR MYSELF ALSO. I AM JUST WAITING FOR THE PHOTOGRAPHER TO EMAIL ME BACK. IT'S ALMOST 10PM AND I HAVE L AUNDRY TO DO SO I WILL WRITE MORE LATER.

ANOTHER REASON WHY I BEGAN TO WRITE AGAIN WAS BECAUSE I FOUND SOMETHING I WROTE YEARS AGO AND I THINK IT'S REALLY GREAT. IT GAVE ME THAT GREAT FEELING AGAIN THAT I GET WHEN I WRITE.
(in the pictures) for easter we went to church. the girls dyed easter eggs with my father and had a little egg hunt. and we visited with family.

Something for me

Today was a very stressful day and at the peek of bad attitudes and cranky ness I just broke down and cried. We got out of the house a little late and headed down the road to see some house we were investigating about to see where our options were for purchasing a new home. We go to an office because there was an open house but there was one lady before us. Little did we know she was actually buying and we didn't realize that we were going to be waiting for an hour. My heart was in it more than Donny's and he made it clear through his attitude and remarks. The whole time I kept reassuring him that we were next and it was going to be very soon. I can see myself buying groceries and coming home to this place. I can see us watching t.v. in the living room next to the fire place and cooking dinner in the kitchen with the beautiful white cabinets. And the main reason for the move is being closer to Olivia's school. Through the week I'm so stressed out from running everywhere and doing everything by myself. Its taking a toll on my health, attitude, and the way I feel inside. I see Donny for 5 minutes a day then he's off to work. So I do all the cleaning, the cooking, getting Olivia off to school in the morning, taking care of Sofia, all by myself. So I wanted to move closer to her school so we are not always rushing when Olivia gets off the bus. That's the worse part of my day. So Donny is gone and I am alone getting dinner on the table, cleaning as I go, doing unfinished laundry, giving the girls a bath, brushing their teeth and putting them to bed. By the end of the night I'm so tired and I never do anything for myself. I'm starting to become really depressed and when something is out of place Donny let's me know by saying not so nice words. And when I'm always alone doing everything and running our house the last thing I need to hear is critical words. So this move would make my life less stressful.

So we waited for an hour with the car running because it's cold outside. I finally get to talk to her and she tells me we can't see the house because someone is still living there. And I got a sick feeling in my stomach and I was panicking in my head. So I get in the car and I tell Donny the news and he gets so mad at me. We drive to get food and I bought a Chinese food meal and he freaks out about how much money I spent. I was okay with just eating McDonald's, I thought we were both going to eat Chinese food. He goes to taco bell for him and the kids by that time I was so low inside. I had Chinese food and my kids were eating chicken quesadilla's. So at this very low moment I told Donny that I was sorry for waisting gas and buying expensive food. I told him that I felt so guilty and I felt like crying. And that is when I broke down and couldn't stop crying. So I am realizing today that I can't live like this anymore. I have to find something for myself that keeps me who I am. I hate the feeling that I don't deserve nice things because I don't have a paying job. Well it's late...I will write more happier things about a decision I've made to keep me sane. And I know damn well that I deserve it.

So so tired

I'm tired as hell and all I want to do is sleep. I'm starting to become depressed and I feel overwhelmed because I'm always on the go.

No more facebook

So I guess I will have more time on my hands because I deleted my facebook. I'm just done with people saying horrible things about me cause I'm a stay-at-home mom and it may seem to them that my life consists of facebook. I don't have close friends, I don't do anything, or go anywhere so it was my outlet. Plus my sister told my mother that I have no life and all I do is get on facebook. I love my family and I don't see them much so that was a way of my communication into the world. But my life is with my kids right now and I think I'm doing a pretty good job of being there for them and I guess people resent that. I'm pretty positive and I wear my heart on my sleeve so I guess that makes me an easy target. I put 100 percent in my kids because I don't have a job and that also makes me an easy target. I have better things to do than argue about my life right now anyways.

So that is that. I'm sitting in Sofia's room right now because she is sick, cranky, and needs a nap. So when she goes to sleep I'm going to rap some presents and take a shower. I went to my in laws to rap everything last week while Olivia was at school. They are being spoiled by their father and I had to tell him not to spend anymore money. We are planning on moving in 2013 because we are outgrowing our home. So that's exciting for us, I love our home but Olivia needs a new bed and her room is too small for a bigger one.  Well Sofia is sleeping so that's my cue to get some things done. I plan on updating the girls blogs later. :)

Selling my stuff

I'm not in a very good mood right now, black Friday is over and I didn't get to do any shopping at all. Christmas is three weeks away and we haven't done barely any shopping. I should be able to go out and do a little shopping without asking. We have a wedding to go to in two weeks and I need a dress to wear. I was at the mall last night looking at dresses and Donny wanted to leave the mall. I wanted to buy myself something nice because I deserve to not look like crap. I need to rebraid my hair right now but I know if I tell my husband that I need just 50 dollars it will turn into an argument. So I'm selling my much loved and expensive things I bought myself when I was single. I miss being single right now. LOL It may not sound like the most positive thing to say but I don't care. I hate not being able to just relax and enjoy time to myself. I don't know when the last time I was able to stay in the bed and get some privacy. I'm not happy right now, so I figure if I write my feelings down it will change my mood. We are putting the Christmas tree up today and I don't want too ruin it because I'm upset right now. I will be very happy when I sell my stuff and get the things I need. It takes money to make sure you look nice and to make sure you don't let yourself go. I will post when I finally sell my stuff. WISH ME LUCK!!!

Thanksgiving 2012

Yesterday at dinner with our other family the Huffs. We ate dinner in the church, I had a great time and enjoyed being around other adults. I wanted a picture of my family that I am very thankful for. Today we are having dinner with my inlaws, we also ate dinner with my family yesterday too. Tomorrow we are hanging out with the huff family again and hopefully we will be at church on Sunday.

I love my family :)

Olivia's school project

Today Olivia and I went to the fabric store to get supplies for her Thanksgiving project on being thankful. She had to make a quilt and put things on it that she is thankful for. She is such a sweet little girl and my favorite things that she mentioned were having a bed to sleep in and having food to eat. That made me proud of her because she has a lot of material things and she didn't mention one of them. I am very thankful for my family and where we've come from these past few years. We went Christmas shopping over the weekend with such ease, not worring about money. Two Christmas's ago Donny was laid off and his unemployment ended right before Christmas. I held in my disappointment as long as I could and I broke down on my cell phone to my mother in the grocery store. All I could think about was my little girl not having any Christmas presents. Everything worked out but in the moment I paniced with the uncertantity of what was to happen next.

CUT UP MATERIAL

ORGANIZED THE MATERIAL

MADE SURE WE HAD A GOOD PATTERN

FINALLY FINISHED

Santa picture

Went to the mall to take pictures with santa :)

Busy day

Today the hubby and I went a little Christmas shopping. We went to a couple of places today and enjoyed a little time together. We bought the kids twinkies also because the company that makes them are going out of business. When we were done shopping picked Olivia up from schooln went home, and I cooked spaghetti for the family. We were going to go to the mall but the kids are tired and if they are out late then that makes them super cranky the next day. So my inlaws are coming over to hook up my new dishwasher my hubby bought me. I will write later and post pictures of my new dishwasher. :)

Its saturday morning

My hubby bought me a phone that has access to all my media accounts. I can get on twitter, facebook, and I can write in my blog from my phone. So this is my first post using my cell phone. Last night I went to zumba class while he watched the girls and I was the happiest ever. I've been telling him that I needed a day when I can do something without the kids but for months I haven't done anything. So I scheduled a time to go to zumba class with an old friend and it was amazing. The zumba instructor was awesome, she kicked our butts. And after class they always take a group picture of everyone looking a sweaty mess. I tried to pose and look extra cute. LOL

Ok I'm going to make french toast for the girls for this Saturday morning. Olivia woke me up saying, "mommy it's french toast day. Here is a picture from zumba class last night

it's 12am and today is election day

i am so nervous about this election i am not sleeping at the moment. i am voting for the president for the second time because i still believe in all the things he spoke of in 2008. i am hoping and praying that he wins again. i went to church and i prayed for obama, i have been praying for obama for the past months, and i have been praying for obama all day today. i kept my paper the day after the election when he won and i would so love to post another picture of another paper declaring him as THE WINNER.

here is a picture of the three of us right before donny went to work in 2008. we are wearing obama shirts and olivia was just a baby. we were so happy and full of hope and change for a better america.

i am going to try to get a little sleep. when my hubby gets in today we are going to go vote. olivia wants to be in the voting process too. she told me, "I WANT TO VOTE FOR A-ROCK OBAMA". LOL this is a very important election for our country, please GOD IN HEAVEN SHED YOUR GRACE ON OBAMA FOR HIS VICTORY

would like something for me

i'm not in the greatest mood right now. i am just so annnoyed with putting myself last. i am tired, smelly, and i want to be left the eff alone right now. i am too tired to work out, i need to take a shower, get the laundry done, wash the dishes. i would love to run away from life for at least a week and not look back. but if i did that i would break my little girls hearts. they could cry for me in the middle night and i would be gone. i do so much but i never get any time for myself. i took olivia to school this morning and went back to bed when i got home. thank god sofia slept in or i would of had an emotional break down. last week was so hard to get through and this week just started and i don't want to go through with it. stupid me wanted to be a volunteer for olivia's halloween party. i signed up because it meant so much to her. i went from being a volunteer to planning the whole event. so i was e-mailing parents for two hours asking for donations for the party. the kids are going to decorate cookies and goodie bags. the parents are supplying pizza, cookies, donuts, juice, candy, stickers, glow sticks for trick or treating and so much more. i am doing it all for my sweet little girl that made me cry when i saw her very sad in holiday party picture. i missed the opportunity to help with her christmas party at school for preschool and it crushed her, she asked me why i wasn't there. that week sofia was sick and i didn't have anyone to babysit her. and thankfully another mom took a picture of her for me because i wasn't there.

i'm going to take a nap and then get up and try to get some crap done. i'm going to update olivia's blog and then go to sleep.

it's 3:30am

it's 3:30am in the morning and i feel that if i write down my feeling it might make me feel better. i don't have a person that i can call and i feel so alone right now. i haven't had a conversation with my hubby all week and when i tell him i need things it turns out to be a situation. im awake with an ear ache and a tooth ache too. the whole left side of my head feels like crap. but even when i'm sick i don't get to rest or take a break. it's starting to make me an angry bitter person. i'm not very happy these days because i never to take care of myself. im falling into a deep depression and many times of the day i catch myself... SO I WROTE THIS ENRTY THE OTHER MORNING WHEN I WAS VERY TIRED AND OBVIOUSLY SICK. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE I WAS MESSAGING MY HUBBY ALL NIGHT AND HE WASN'T ANSWERING ME. FRIDAY MORNING HE HELPED ME FIND A DOCTOR TO GO TO AND HE WATCHED THE GIRLS. HE WORKED ALL NIGHT BUT HE HELPED ME OUT LATER BECAUSE I WAS IN DIRE NEED OF SEEING A DOCTOR. I HAVEN'T BEEN TO A DOCTOR SINCE SOFIA WAS BORN AND SHE IS 15 MONTHS OLD. I DIDN'T EVEN GO TO MY OBGYN SIX MONTHS AFTER SHE WAS BORN. I PLAN ON GOING WHEN OLIVIA IS IN SCHOOL IN TWO WEEKS. WHEN I WENT TO THE DOCTORS FRIDAY MORNING I FELT 50% BETTER JUST BY SITTING IN THE LOBBY READING MAGAZINES. I WAS SO STRESSED OUT I JUST NEEDED A BREAK AND THE STRESS WAS MAKING ME EVEN SICKER. I WAS SICK FOR 2 WEEKS SINCE THAT MORNING. THE DOCTOR TOLD ME I HAD FLUID IN MY EAR AND MY CANAL WAS SWOLLEN. I AM VERY HAPPY I WENT BECAUSE I HAVE A PRIMARY CARE DOCTOR AND I HAVE NOT HAD ONE SINCE I HAD A PEDITRICIAN AND THAT'S BEYOND HORRIBLE. I HAVE A DENTIST APPOINTMENT NEXT WEEK TO TAKE CARE OF MY TEETH. I JUST HAVE A CONSULTATION TO GET AN X-RAY AND DISCUSS IF I NEED TO PULL A TOOTH OR HAVE A ROOT CANAL. MORE THAN LIKELY I WILL NEED A ROOT CANAL, BUT I CAN'T AFFORD A ROOT CANAL RIGHT NOW. WE DON'T HAVE DENTAL INSURANCE SO I HAVE TO WAIT TO TAKE CARE OF THE TOOTH. BUT IF THERE IS AN INFECTION IN THE GUMS I WILL JUST PULL THE TOOTH AND JUST TAKE CARE OF THE MISSING TOOTH WHEN MY HUSBAND'S DENTAL KICKS IN. I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW SERIOUS AN INFECTION IN YOUR GUMS COULD BE UNTIL I WAS PREGNANT AND HAD TO ET A TOOTH PULLED WITH SOFIA. I WAS CRYING FOR DAYS BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT MISSING TEETH IN MY MOUTH. BUT I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND I CAN ALWAYS FIX IT LATER. I PLAN ON GOING TO THE DENTIST EVERY 6 MONTHS EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE INSURANCE BECAUSE I FOUND A PLACE WHERE I CAN GET A CLEANING FOR 50 DOLLARS. AND THATS BETTER THAN WAITING AROUND AND NOT TAKING CARE OF MY TEETH. OLIVIA HAS DENTAL INSURANCE AND SOFIA WILL WHEN IT'S HER TIME TO SEE ONE.

it's been a while

it's been a while since i've updated any of my blogs. my hubby and i have been so busy getting olivia ready for kidergarten. all of her school supplies are bought, bagged up, and ready to go. she has an open house tuesday morning and we can bring the supplies in which is great. i have three bags of items that we had to buy. she even had to have a child sized yoga mat. we have all of these expenses going on, she has soccer pictures next week, and her birthday is next month. she is taking school pictures at the end of the month plus we always do seperate pictures too. my hubby told me the other day that she is not getting any more personalized pictures that they stop at age 5 until she hits a big number. thats not bad i will agree with him on that. i can get creative and take my own pictures. i am very happy and greatful for all of the times he agreed and happily paid for her pictures in the past. i am happy that her and sofia are so far apart because olivia will get to experience and participate in many activities and events before it's sofia's turn. i will hopefully be working when it's sofia's turn to do dance and many other things. i would love to put olvia in gymnastics but it's too expensive and i am not putting that much pressure on my husband. olivia has a wonderful daddy that loves her dearly and is over joyed to see her dance, do soccer, and other activities. we had so much fun watching her first practice and game last saturday. what a joy to add to the first of all things that we get to do together. sometimes it's hard being married but fun family memories makes them all sweeter. well i just wanted to update...i have to update olivia's blog for soccer and sofia's for turning 15 months. sofia's might have to wait because i have laundry to do and dishes to wash.

BUSY BUSY MONDAY

YESTERDAY WAS A CRAZY BUSY DAY, I WOKE UP SICK TOO FROM BEING SO STRESSED. MY RIGHT EAR IS PLUGGED, I HAVE A COLD, AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF I HAVE A COLD SORE. I ONLY GET COLD SORES WHEN MY BODY IS REALLY RUN DOWN. YESTERDAY I TOOK THE KIDS TO THE PARK, WE HAD TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE, AND THEN AFTER DINNER WE WENT FOR A WALK. I FOUND AN AMAZING TRAIL TO HIKE VERY CLOSE TO OUR HOUSE. IT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT WORLD ON THE TRAIL, EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL. OLIVIA HAD A BLAST RIDING HER BIKE. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE PLAYGROUND AGAIN BUT IT GOT DARK SO FAST. I CAN TELL THE FALL IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER THE WEATHER IS STARTING TO COOL DOWN. WHEN WE WERE AT THE STORE YESTERDAY, THERE WERE ALREADY HALLOWEEN COSTUMES OUT. olivia and sofia playing at olivia's school playground. the principal requested that parents take the student to the playground to play over the summer to get use to seeing their school. olivia has been coming to the playground for a long time.

walking the trail

stopped to take a quick picture :)

a quick bite before we go to the playground this morning

lazy sunday

i'm going to get in the shower shortly, i'm still in my pajamas and have not showered yet today. i have been cleaning all day, it's so much easier to clean when donny is home. he is taking a nap with the girls but i wanted to post these pictures before i get in. he was holding sofia and i saw the perfect photo, it's the way he was holding her. i quickly grabbed my camera and took these shots.