it's 3:30am

it's 3:30am in the morning and i feel that if i write down my feeling it might make me feel better. i don't have a person that i can call and i feel so alone right now. i haven't had a conversation with my hubby all week and when i tell him i need things it turns out to be a situation. im awake with an ear ache and a tooth ache too. the whole left side of my head feels like crap. but even when i'm sick i don't get to rest or take a break. it's starting to make me an angry bitter person. i'm not very happy these days because i never to take care of myself. im falling into a deep depression and many times of the day i catch myself... SO I WROTE THIS ENRTY THE OTHER MORNING WHEN I WAS VERY TIRED AND OBVIOUSLY SICK. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE I WAS MESSAGING MY HUBBY ALL NIGHT AND HE WASN'T ANSWERING ME. FRIDAY MORNING HE HELPED ME FIND A DOCTOR TO GO TO AND HE WATCHED THE GIRLS. HE WORKED ALL NIGHT BUT HE HELPED ME OUT LATER BECAUSE I WAS IN DIRE NEED OF SEEING A DOCTOR. I HAVEN'T BEEN TO A DOCTOR SINCE SOFIA WAS BORN AND SHE IS 15 MONTHS OLD. I DIDN'T EVEN GO TO MY OBGYN SIX MONTHS AFTER SHE WAS BORN. I PLAN ON GOING WHEN OLIVIA IS IN SCHOOL IN TWO WEEKS. WHEN I WENT TO THE DOCTORS FRIDAY MORNING I FELT 50% BETTER JUST BY SITTING IN THE LOBBY READING MAGAZINES. I WAS SO STRESSED OUT I JUST NEEDED A BREAK AND THE STRESS WAS MAKING ME EVEN SICKER. I WAS SICK FOR 2 WEEKS SINCE THAT MORNING. THE DOCTOR TOLD ME I HAD FLUID IN MY EAR AND MY CANAL WAS SWOLLEN. I AM VERY HAPPY I WENT BECAUSE I HAVE A PRIMARY CARE DOCTOR AND I HAVE NOT HAD ONE SINCE I HAD A PEDITRICIAN AND THAT'S BEYOND HORRIBLE. I HAVE A DENTIST APPOINTMENT NEXT WEEK TO TAKE CARE OF MY TEETH. I JUST HAVE A CONSULTATION TO GET AN X-RAY AND DISCUSS IF I NEED TO PULL A TOOTH OR HAVE A ROOT CANAL. MORE THAN LIKELY I WILL NEED A ROOT CANAL, BUT I CAN'T AFFORD A ROOT CANAL RIGHT NOW. WE DON'T HAVE DENTAL INSURANCE SO I HAVE TO WAIT TO TAKE CARE OF THE TOOTH. BUT IF THERE IS AN INFECTION IN THE GUMS I WILL JUST PULL THE TOOTH AND JUST TAKE CARE OF THE MISSING TOOTH WHEN MY HUSBAND'S DENTAL KICKS IN. I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW SERIOUS AN INFECTION IN YOUR GUMS COULD BE UNTIL I WAS PREGNANT AND HAD TO ET A TOOTH PULLED WITH SOFIA. I WAS CRYING FOR DAYS BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT MISSING TEETH IN MY MOUTH. BUT I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND I CAN ALWAYS FIX IT LATER. I PLAN ON GOING TO THE DENTIST EVERY 6 MONTHS EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE INSURANCE BECAUSE I FOUND A PLACE WHERE I CAN GET A CLEANING FOR 50 DOLLARS. AND THATS BETTER THAN WAITING AROUND AND NOT TAKING CARE OF MY TEETH. OLIVIA HAS DENTAL INSURANCE AND SOFIA WILL WHEN IT'S HER TIME TO SEE ONE.