Have not been here in a while

I HATE WRITING WHEN I'M DOWN OR FEELING BAD. I DON'T WANT TO WRITE THOSE FEELINGS DOWN AND I DON'T WANT TO PRETEND LIKE EVERYTHING IS NORMAL. SO I TRY TO VENT IN OTHER WAYS. THIS WINTER HAS BEEN REALLY HARD FOR ME TO GET THROUGH. THE KIDS HAVE BEEN SICK SO I COULDN'T TAKE THEM OUT TO WORKOUT. SO I HAVE NOT BEEN WORKING OUT OR DOING THINGS FOR MYSELF. AND IT'S MADE ME SO DEPRESSED WHERE I WOULD JUST SIT AND CRY. I AM BETTER THESE DAYS AND I WANTED TO UPDATE MY KIDS BLOGS BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TOO MUCH CATCHING UP TO DO. OLIVIA ONLY HAS TWO MONTHS LEFT OF SCHOOL AND SHE'S MOVING ON TO THE FIRST GRADE. SOFIA WILL BE TWO NEXT MONTH AND I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO WITH PLANNING HER BIRTHDAY. I REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE HAVING A BIRTHDAY PARTY THIS YEAR FOR HER. I JUST WANT TO TAKE HER TO THE ZOO AND HAVE ICE CREAM AND CAKE WITH JUST FAMILY. SHE LOVES ANIMALS AND IT WOULD BE NICE TO WATCH HER EXPERIENCE THE ZOO FOR THE FIRST TIME ON HER 2ND BIRTHDAY.

I REQUESTED TO SCHEDULE A MOMMY AND ME PHOTO SESSION FOR ME AND THE GIRLS FOR MOTHERS DAY AND MY BIRTHDAY. I AM ALWAYS TAKING PICTURES OF THEM AND I AM NEVER IN THE PICTURES. I WAS VERY UPSET THAT I DIDN'T GET ANY PICTURES WITH THEM FOR EASTER THIS YEAR. I WILL POST A COUPLE OF PICTURES OF THEM AT THE END OF THIS UPDATE. I WANT BEAUTIFUL PICTURES OF US TOGETHER FOR THEM WHEN THEY GET OLDER. I WOULD LOVE THEM FOR MYSELF ALSO. I AM JUST WAITING FOR THE PHOTOGRAPHER TO EMAIL ME BACK. IT'S ALMOST 10PM AND I HAVE L AUNDRY TO DO SO I WILL WRITE MORE LATER.

ANOTHER REASON WHY I BEGAN TO WRITE AGAIN WAS BECAUSE I FOUND SOMETHING I WROTE YEARS AGO AND I THINK IT'S REALLY GREAT. IT GAVE ME THAT GREAT FEELING AGAIN THAT I GET WHEN I WRITE.
(in the pictures) for easter we went to church. the girls dyed easter eggs with my father and had a little egg hunt. and we visited with family.

Something for me

Today was a very stressful day and at the peek of bad attitudes and cranky ness I just broke down and cried. We got out of the house a little late and headed down the road to see some house we were investigating about to see where our options were for purchasing a new home. We go to an office because there was an open house but there was one lady before us. Little did we know she was actually buying and we didn't realize that we were going to be waiting for an hour. My heart was in it more than Donny's and he made it clear through his attitude and remarks. The whole time I kept reassuring him that we were next and it was going to be very soon. I can see myself buying groceries and coming home to this place. I can see us watching t.v. in the living room next to the fire place and cooking dinner in the kitchen with the beautiful white cabinets. And the main reason for the move is being closer to Olivia's school. Through the week I'm so stressed out from running everywhere and doing everything by myself. Its taking a toll on my health, attitude, and the way I feel inside. I see Donny for 5 minutes a day then he's off to work. So I do all the cleaning, the cooking, getting Olivia off to school in the morning, taking care of Sofia, all by myself. So I wanted to move closer to her school so we are not always rushing when Olivia gets off the bus. That's the worse part of my day. So Donny is gone and I am alone getting dinner on the table, cleaning as I go, doing unfinished laundry, giving the girls a bath, brushing their teeth and putting them to bed. By the end of the night I'm so tired and I never do anything for myself. I'm starting to become really depressed and when something is out of place Donny let's me know by saying not so nice words. And when I'm always alone doing everything and running our house the last thing I need to hear is critical words. So this move would make my life less stressful.

So we waited for an hour with the car running because it's cold outside. I finally get to talk to her and she tells me we can't see the house because someone is still living there. And I got a sick feeling in my stomach and I was panicking in my head. So I get in the car and I tell Donny the news and he gets so mad at me. We drive to get food and I bought a Chinese food meal and he freaks out about how much money I spent. I was okay with just eating McDonald's, I thought we were both going to eat Chinese food. He goes to taco bell for him and the kids by that time I was so low inside. I had Chinese food and my kids were eating chicken quesadilla's. So at this very low moment I told Donny that I was sorry for waisting gas and buying expensive food. I told him that I felt so guilty and I felt like crying. And that is when I broke down and couldn't stop crying. So I am realizing today that I can't live like this anymore. I have to find something for myself that keeps me who I am. I hate the feeling that I don't deserve nice things because I don't have a paying job. Well it's late...I will write more happier things about a decision I've made to keep me sane. And I know damn well that I deserve it.

So so tired

I'm tired as hell and all I want to do is sleep. I'm starting to become depressed and I feel overwhelmed because I'm always on the go.

No more facebook

So I guess I will have more time on my hands because I deleted my facebook. I'm just done with people saying horrible things about me cause I'm a stay-at-home mom and it may seem to them that my life consists of facebook. I don't have close friends, I don't do anything, or go anywhere so it was my outlet. Plus my sister told my mother that I have no life and all I do is get on facebook. I love my family and I don't see them much so that was a way of my communication into the world. But my life is with my kids right now and I think I'm doing a pretty good job of being there for them and I guess people resent that. I'm pretty positive and I wear my heart on my sleeve so I guess that makes me an easy target. I put 100 percent in my kids because I don't have a job and that also makes me an easy target. I have better things to do than argue about my life right now anyways.

So that is that. I'm sitting in Sofia's room right now because she is sick, cranky, and needs a nap. So when she goes to sleep I'm going to rap some presents and take a shower. I went to my in laws to rap everything last week while Olivia was at school. They are being spoiled by their father and I had to tell him not to spend anymore money. We are planning on moving in 2013 because we are outgrowing our home. So that's exciting for us, I love our home but Olivia needs a new bed and her room is too small for a bigger one.  Well Sofia is sleeping so that's my cue to get some things done. I plan on updating the girls blogs later. :)

Selling my stuff

I'm not in a very good mood right now, black Friday is over and I didn't get to do any shopping at all. Christmas is three weeks away and we haven't done barely any shopping. I should be able to go out and do a little shopping without asking. We have a wedding to go to in two weeks and I need a dress to wear. I was at the mall last night looking at dresses and Donny wanted to leave the mall. I wanted to buy myself something nice because I deserve to not look like crap. I need to rebraid my hair right now but I know if I tell my husband that I need just 50 dollars it will turn into an argument. So I'm selling my much loved and expensive things I bought myself when I was single. I miss being single right now. LOL It may not sound like the most positive thing to say but I don't care. I hate not being able to just relax and enjoy time to myself. I don't know when the last time I was able to stay in the bed and get some privacy. I'm not happy right now, so I figure if I write my feelings down it will change my mood. We are putting the Christmas tree up today and I don't want too ruin it because I'm upset right now. I will be very happy when I sell my stuff and get the things I need. It takes money to make sure you look nice and to make sure you don't let yourself go. I will post when I finally sell my stuff. WISH ME LUCK!!!

Thanksgiving 2012

Yesterday at dinner with our other family the Huffs. We ate dinner in the church, I had a great time and enjoyed being around other adults. I wanted a picture of my family that I am very thankful for. Today we are having dinner with my inlaws, we also ate dinner with my family yesterday too. Tomorrow we are hanging out with the huff family again and hopefully we will be at church on Sunday.

I love my family :)

Olivia's school project

Today Olivia and I went to the fabric store to get supplies for her Thanksgiving project on being thankful. She had to make a quilt and put things on it that she is thankful for. She is such a sweet little girl and my favorite things that she mentioned were having a bed to sleep in and having food to eat. That made me proud of her because she has a lot of material things and she didn't mention one of them. I am very thankful for my family and where we've come from these past few years. We went Christmas shopping over the weekend with such ease, not worring about money. Two Christmas's ago Donny was laid off and his unemployment ended right before Christmas. I held in my disappointment as long as I could and I broke down on my cell phone to my mother in the grocery store. All I could think about was my little girl not having any Christmas presents. Everything worked out but in the moment I paniced with the uncertantity of what was to happen next.

CUT UP MATERIAL

ORGANIZED THE MATERIAL

MADE SURE WE HAD A GOOD PATTERN

FINALLY FINISHED