Everything That We’ve Waited For

The last time that I wrote in this journal, I was living in a trailer and we were hoping and praying that we would find a house. We moved three more times before we found our wonderful home. Now I’m sitting in our room listening to Donny snore. It’s late but we had to connect before starting a new week. This has been the worst week of 2018. I was going to post on my fb that our lives were perfect three years in a row. But then we found out that Donny’s mom is sick. We made sure to go to church to pray for her healing today. When we got there I fought back the tears just walking in the door. Donny has kept his strong man face on through this whole situation. It sucks that men have to do that. I’ve seen him cry and I know he does so he doesn’t have to hold it in for us. I told him to let out his emotions, you just have to. He’s being strong for everyone else in the family. I think he’s so amazingly strong.

          So we both went to the alter together and prayed for her, by this time I was sobbing and tears were streaming down my face. I asked for a prayer cloth to take back to her. The pastors mother blessed one with oil and I clung to it and cried even more. I cried walking through the church looking for Donny. I didn’t even care if anyone was looking at me. She was put on multiple prayer lists and people hugged me and told me about Gods miracles. I do believe it can happen. And this just came out of nowhere too. We’ve had other things going on as well with my family. And my mom was sick too where I thought I might lose her. So we’ve had a rough past month and we are hoping that the rest of the Christmas season will be magical as they always have been.

       We have presents stashed everywhere in the house because we’ve been so busy, we haven’t had any time to organize anything. We’ve done a lot of online shopping so the kids have been home when they’ve arrived. We’ve had to stuff them where we could and very quickly too. Christmas is coming so fast, we still have so much to do. We have so much to be happy for. We finally have a wonderful home to raise the kids in. I love our house so much. I say it constantly out loud and I thank God for it frequently. The kids love the house so much too. Before we found it we were loving bewtween two houses and I was taking the kids to school from Lke Orion everyday. It was a stressful mess. My mother-I’m-law would get mad at me so I would leave. Or when things weren’t going well at my moms I would go back to Donny’s moms house. But in the end I hated it at Donny’s moms and when school was done we stayed at my moms until we closed on the house. We had all of belonging in storage and besteeen two houses. We looked at so many messsd up houses so when we saw our house we put in an offer right away. Our first home is down the street from my parents first home. And Olivia’s bus stop is on the same road as my parents old house. I hope one day I can go in and see the other house my parents built. I am so happy with this part of my life. I am almost 40 and I am finally secure about where I am in life. We finally have everything that we’ve been waiting for. ❤️  

Olivia's 6th Birthday

The day Olivia turned 6, September 22nd, 2013 was on a Sunday and fell on her actual birthday. I have not been updating the girls blogs or writing in my own is because of those hard times makes it so hard for me to express in words. My hubby Donald has been sick for a long while now. And this year instead of putting a band-aid on his situation we were put in save and fix Donny mode because of his discomfort. I will probably shed a few tears and will be happy to kiss 2013 goodbye. So hello to 2014 because we have some doors opening for us and our little girls. I will write about later but will think about daily. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions this year. And seeing the love of my life in the hospital literally tore my heart apart. I could physically feel it in my chest. We have been together since we were 19 and we are now 34. When we were married the preacher said we became one from that day forward but the universe brought us together and was one long before our wedding. From day one, two young kids had a summer romance that will hopefully last a lifetime.

So on Olivia's 6th birthday celebrating her birth with her father thinking of our hard 2013 made me weep uncontrollably. I was crying happy tears because I felt even more lucky than I ever have felt before. I was lucky that my beautiful daughter was healthy and her father was on his way to recovery. And I believe that God will heal Donald. In 2014 we will be experiencing many happy memories as a family. I would LOVE to have another child because I am beyond blessed to have healthy children and when I look at my children it makes me love my husband even more.  I will update more about the past 3 months in the upcoming days. But for right now I will post a few birthday pictures and some of Donny's journey.

Back to Zumba

So I've been really down on myself about me weight lately. I joined a class that had free childcare but the workouts were not enough for me. I have to do intense cardio to lose weight because I use to dance everyday for hours. I found a Zumba class on Saturday morning that is crazy cheap and the instructor is amazing. The class starts at 12pm so I won't feel bad asking my hubby to watch the kids. I hate my body right now and I need to get rid of some weight. I want to be healthy also it's not all about being thin. I don't have babysitters lined up if I got sick or something. And even when I am as sick as a dog I still have my kids 24-7. I am starting to become sick more easily and for longer periods of times. I've lost my voice from being sick and it's still not all the way back even after a month. And it's probably due to stress also. So I am going to workout and it's going to start this Saturday at Zumba class. I'm so excited. Also, I plan on working out once at home and once a week walking around the mall. Just so I get to workout three times a week and it won't be expensive.

If I just sit here a little while longer

I am so overwhelmed this week, I feel like I am always running as soon as I wake up. The girls are a handful these days and I never get to relax. I don't have one person to help me get through things. Everyone needs at least one person. I get so sad when I see other moms together and I am always alone. Its such a struggle just being with the kids. I came here to write these feelings down so I can maybe release how I feel. I'm just so drained and I want to step away for a minute to catch my breath. I am supposed to workout in 3 hours and I was contemplating on going or not. If I don't go then I will be highly disappointed in myself. I have been gaining weight from eating when I have been stressed. Its hard to look at my body in the mirror I hate to look at myself. I don't think I have ever had a positive body image and I am working on myself for my little girls. I don't want them to go through the things I went through. I am hoping when I wake up I will feel better after I workout.
I am just so sad right now and I feel alone. I hate feeling like this.

Have not been here in a while

I HATE WRITING WHEN I'M DOWN OR FEELING BAD. I DON'T WANT TO WRITE THOSE FEELINGS DOWN AND I DON'T WANT TO PRETEND LIKE EVERYTHING IS NORMAL. SO I TRY TO VENT IN OTHER WAYS. THIS WINTER HAS BEEN REALLY HARD FOR ME TO GET THROUGH. THE KIDS HAVE BEEN SICK SO I COULDN'T TAKE THEM OUT TO WORKOUT. SO I HAVE NOT BEEN WORKING OUT OR DOING THINGS FOR MYSELF. AND IT'S MADE ME SO DEPRESSED WHERE I WOULD JUST SIT AND CRY. I AM BETTER THESE DAYS AND I WANTED TO UPDATE MY KIDS BLOGS BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TOO MUCH CATCHING UP TO DO. OLIVIA ONLY HAS TWO MONTHS LEFT OF SCHOOL AND SHE'S MOVING ON TO THE FIRST GRADE. SOFIA WILL BE TWO NEXT MONTH AND I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO WITH PLANNING HER BIRTHDAY. I REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE HAVING A BIRTHDAY PARTY THIS YEAR FOR HER. I JUST WANT TO TAKE HER TO THE ZOO AND HAVE ICE CREAM AND CAKE WITH JUST FAMILY. SHE LOVES ANIMALS AND IT WOULD BE NICE TO WATCH HER EXPERIENCE THE ZOO FOR THE FIRST TIME ON HER 2ND BIRTHDAY.

I REQUESTED TO SCHEDULE A MOMMY AND ME PHOTO SESSION FOR ME AND THE GIRLS FOR MOTHERS DAY AND MY BIRTHDAY. I AM ALWAYS TAKING PICTURES OF THEM AND I AM NEVER IN THE PICTURES. I WAS VERY UPSET THAT I DIDN'T GET ANY PICTURES WITH THEM FOR EASTER THIS YEAR. I WILL POST A COUPLE OF PICTURES OF THEM AT THE END OF THIS UPDATE. I WANT BEAUTIFUL PICTURES OF US TOGETHER FOR THEM WHEN THEY GET OLDER. I WOULD LOVE THEM FOR MYSELF ALSO. I AM JUST WAITING FOR THE PHOTOGRAPHER TO EMAIL ME BACK. IT'S ALMOST 10PM AND I HAVE L AUNDRY TO DO SO I WILL WRITE MORE LATER.

ANOTHER REASON WHY I BEGAN TO WRITE AGAIN WAS BECAUSE I FOUND SOMETHING I WROTE YEARS AGO AND I THINK IT'S REALLY GREAT. IT GAVE ME THAT GREAT FEELING AGAIN THAT I GET WHEN I WRITE.
(in the pictures) for easter we went to church. the girls dyed easter eggs with my father and had a little egg hunt. and we visited with family.

Something for me

Today was a very stressful day and at the peek of bad attitudes and cranky ness I just broke down and cried. We got out of the house a little late and headed down the road to see some house we were investigating about to see where our options were for purchasing a new home. We go to an office because there was an open house but there was one lady before us. Little did we know she was actually buying and we didn't realize that we were going to be waiting for an hour. My heart was in it more than Donny's and he made it clear through his attitude and remarks. The whole time I kept reassuring him that we were next and it was going to be very soon. I can see myself buying groceries and coming home to this place. I can see us watching t.v. in the living room next to the fire place and cooking dinner in the kitchen with the beautiful white cabinets. And the main reason for the move is being closer to Olivia's school. Through the week I'm so stressed out from running everywhere and doing everything by myself. Its taking a toll on my health, attitude, and the way I feel inside. I see Donny for 5 minutes a day then he's off to work. So I do all the cleaning, the cooking, getting Olivia off to school in the morning, taking care of Sofia, all by myself. So I wanted to move closer to her school so we are not always rushing when Olivia gets off the bus. That's the worse part of my day. So Donny is gone and I am alone getting dinner on the table, cleaning as I go, doing unfinished laundry, giving the girls a bath, brushing their teeth and putting them to bed. By the end of the night I'm so tired and I never do anything for myself. I'm starting to become really depressed and when something is out of place Donny let's me know by saying not so nice words. And when I'm always alone doing everything and running our house the last thing I need to hear is critical words. So this move would make my life less stressful.

So we waited for an hour with the car running because it's cold outside. I finally get to talk to her and she tells me we can't see the house because someone is still living there. And I got a sick feeling in my stomach and I was panicking in my head. So I get in the car and I tell Donny the news and he gets so mad at me. We drive to get food and I bought a Chinese food meal and he freaks out about how much money I spent. I was okay with just eating McDonald's, I thought we were both going to eat Chinese food. He goes to taco bell for him and the kids by that time I was so low inside. I had Chinese food and my kids were eating chicken quesadilla's. So at this very low moment I told Donny that I was sorry for waisting gas and buying expensive food. I told him that I felt so guilty and I felt like crying. And that is when I broke down and couldn't stop crying. So I am realizing today that I can't live like this anymore. I have to find something for myself that keeps me who I am. I hate the feeling that I don't deserve nice things because I don't have a paying job. Well it's late...I will write more happier things about a decision I've made to keep me sane. And I know damn well that I deserve it.

So so tired

I'm tired as hell and all I want to do is sleep. I'm starting to become depressed and I feel overwhelmed because I'm always on the go.